You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
