Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize