I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
Hereās how sick I am. Iām not hungry. I donāt want coffee. And I donāt want dick. So, you know itās bad.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and youāre questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize