i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
