We're like a lot better than the average bears
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
