Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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