Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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