True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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