his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize