I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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