I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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