Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
