do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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