i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
