Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize