i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
