Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize