There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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