Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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