I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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