I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
