Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
