when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
