So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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