So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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