Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
