There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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