i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Do vagina's smell?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
