Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
