dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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