What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is her dick bigger than yours?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize