I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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