ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
