You made me cry and you don't even care
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
