I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I think I won the penis lottery.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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