im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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