I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
