the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
