I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
whose ass print is on the piano?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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