Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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