Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
