clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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