Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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