im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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