I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
