Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
