At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
