so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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