I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
