my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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