i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
