I look better un-naked...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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