It was confusing and full of hummus
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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