So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
