i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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