i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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