the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
