The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
