I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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