How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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