we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
